He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
