Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
