oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Drunk is not a location!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
