This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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