i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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