We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
