hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
