Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
