I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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