I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
