i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
