I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
