he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize