Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
