a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
