For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
