1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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