I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
