we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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