So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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