You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
