I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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