we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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