Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
