as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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