he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
