just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
