i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
