if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
