Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize