You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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