Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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