Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
