So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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