I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
