I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize