I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
