every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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