Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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