just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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