Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
