so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
