i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
