OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
