My liver just broke up with me...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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