I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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