im drinking this country out of the recession.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
