they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
