Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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