Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
