i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
