4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
