so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
