she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
40s are totally the cure
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
