Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
