Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
