I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
