found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize