sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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