this just has baby written all over it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
