i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
