dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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