Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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