Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
