i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
