So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
